Yep, that’s right. This week, bad content has pushed me over the edge and I must speak.
The really good ideas I was going to share in today’s blog—100% effective PR solutions for improving the brand images of Malaysia Airlines, Lindsay Lohan, and thousands of poorly-dressed Walmart shoppers—well, they’re just going to have to wait. Our shared written language is threatened by poor usage and syntax, not to mention punctuation run amok.
Here’s your three-part, highly entertaining grammar lesson, written in the fresh/funky style you have come to expect from a Resch blog entry.
PART ONE: Subject/predicate disagreement.
In a gender-neutral world, many people choose to substitute “they” for many nonspecific pronouns, like this:
“If a person wears pajamas to the store, they will be judged by me.”
There’s only one person involved here, so there can be no “they.” Before you say anything, I know. It’s easier than writing “he or she” (or the dreaded he/she) everywhere, and choosing a pronoun might be perceived as sexist. Plus, many of us are in government, writing laws or instructions for other people to follow, and 10,000 “he or she” sentences can get seriously clunky.
Here’s the answer: if you’re trying to solve an agreement problem, consider changing the singular noun up front to a plural one. It works every time.
I'm silently judging you.
“People who wear pajamas to the store will be judged by me.”
For a public sign or flier, you can also try a more active, fun version, like this:
“Wearing pajamas in public? Prepare to be judged by me.”
This brings me to our next—and related—grammar problem.
PART TWO: Passive voice.
Let’s go back to that first sentence:
“If a person wears pajamas to the store, they will be judged by me.”
Who wore it better?
The sentence is written in passive voice, which means the subject of the sentence is not included in the front, where it is expected. It lacks clarity.
So let’s analyze it. What is the real subject of this sentence? In truth, it is me. I will judge you. I WILL JUDGE YOU. Let’s write it as non-passively (i.e., aggressively) as we can:
“OMG. Are you seriously wearing pajamas in public? I am SO judging you. Go home and put some $%@&ing real clothes on before I snap. I am seriously THIS CLOSE. Why on earth do I ever come shopping here? This is the armpit of America.
Okay…so maybe I got carried away. Let’s try again, without all the pent-up aggression. We’ll begin by putting the subject of the sentence—me—in the front:
I judge people who wear pajamas to the store.
Again, this issue seems to plague those of us who work in politics and government. Sometimes leaders want to distance themselves from circumstances or actions, so the language gets ultra-passive as a result. People see through that; truly, they do. By moving words around, you can say what you mean and maintain your credibility. Unless, of course, you are wearing pajamas outdoors.
Passive almost never works.
PART THREE: Petty Annoyances.
Now that I’m on a roll, here is a list of all the other things I see online that drive readers crazy:
- Misuse of “e.g.” and “i.e.” In Latin, i.e. stands for id est and means roughly "in other words.” Conversely, e.g. stands for exempli gratia, which means “for example.” Both should be used in parentheses and followed by a comma (i.e., in ways that fully reflect your awesomeness). I make it easy for myself to remember by saying for eggzzample slowly as I type.
- Assure/ensure/insure. To assure is to tell someone everything's ok, to ensure is to make certain, and to insure is to protect financially. These words are not interchangeable.
- Peak/peek/pique. Very often, I’ll read about how something “peaked his interest.” And it incites me to a fit of pique, I’m not going to lie. We peek around corners; we climb to the peak. And pique means to provoke or instigate—like your interest, or my ire.
- Acronyms. Ah, my nemesis. We all use them, especially those of us operating in the public sector. But nothing could be less reader-friendly. Try to find whole-word alternatives where you can (e.g., “the Authority,” “the Council,” the Act.”)*
- Dashes. Despite how your computer may auto-correct, there are specific ways to use dashes in running text. An “em” dash is longest and connects thoughts in a sentence—like this—without interrupting the eye. An “en” dash is next shortest and connects numbers like “30–60” smoothly. The little short dash on your keyboard is a hyphen, used for connecting two-part words.
There. I think that’s enough for one week! Go forth and write well. Check back later for my personal recommended solutions for other key PR topics, like whether Justin Bieber should get back on Instagram and how to parlay cat videos and inspirational Pinterest posters into a personal appearance on the Oprah show.
* See how I did that there? With the “e.g.”?
--- Stephanie